A Grammar Lesson
From November 26, 1945. Listen to this episode here.
"How's your grammar, Cedric?"
"Oh, I know what that is. You thought I was gonna say pretty good. I know it ain't my gra'ma 'cause I done asked the teacher that."
"Oh, I know that, Cedric. What I mean is, how's your grammar?"
"Well, I told you she's pretty good. Uncle Charley went down to see her 'bout a month ago. Then he wrote a letter to Mama after he'd saw her. Do you know what he said in that letter?"
"No, I don't, Cedric."
"Neither do I."
"Oh."
"I was sorta hopin' you knowed so you could help me answer that first question there."
"What first question?"
"That 'un you just give. How's my gra'ma?"
"I said grammar, now, Cedric. You know that's diff'rent. Grammar is English."
"No. Mine ain't! She's part Dutch and part Virginian."
"I know that, Cedric."
"Come from Oklahoma. And she goes to the Baptist church."
"Well, I'm proud she does. Good thing to do. But, Cedric, what I'm talkin' about is the subject you study at school. It's about sentences, and words, and well, all such as that."
"Oh."
"Like, uh... well, for incidence, uh... take the sentence, uh... The dog ain't et his vittles, but he ort to."
"Why ain't he?"
"Well, now wait, Cedric. Good grammar learns you that that sentence ain't right."
"It ain't, huh?"
"No, it ain't!"
"He did eat 'em, huh?"
"No. Here's the reason, Cedric. I'll repeat the question so you'll be shore and understand it. The dog ain't et his vittles but he ort to. Now the reason that ain't right is 'cause you ain't s'posed to say ain't."
"You ain't, huh?"
"No, sir. You ain't. Just recollect that. Ort never to say ain't."
"Well, what're ya s'posed to say?"
"Why, uh... yer s'posed to say... hmm, the dog ain't et... he ain't not et... no, he am not et... no, he is not et... never et!... never not et!... doggies!"
"How long has it been since he et, anyway?"
"Doggies, that is 'culiar!"
"'Bout him not eatin', you mean?"
"Huh?"
"Well, I don't think it' so 'culiar. Maybe he's sick."
"No. I mean about ain't. I know it ain't right to say ain't, but I'll be a polka-dotted possum if I can see what you orta use instead of it."
"Is his nose hot and dry?"
"No, sir. I can't figure that out."
"Well, if you could just get him to eat again, well, that'd sorta solve ever'thing."
"Yeah, you're right. Then you could say he's eatin'. I know that's right. It's when he gets off his feed that gets me mixed up that way. That's the trouble."